Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
