the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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