somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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