I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
