I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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