i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
