the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
