went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
