I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
