addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
