just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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