Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
