You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
