I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
