Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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