He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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