you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
