The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
