I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
