The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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