haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
