Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
