You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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