census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
