i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
