six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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