My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
