I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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