They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
