my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
