I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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