I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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