Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
