i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
