new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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