tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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