I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
