They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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