i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
