Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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