just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
