Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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