sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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