I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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