if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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