I cannot find my penis.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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