I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im holly from the hills drunk
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
