I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
