didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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