i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
