Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
