Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
