also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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