Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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