Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
