nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I will be naked everywhere
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
