bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
